Photo via Flickr
The 14 school days of Christmas: Drop the grudges this holiday
There is no time to explain, so just listen closely.
Step 1: Locate the perfect Christmas tree. Frantic mothers high tail it to the nearest Pool City to find the perfect tree that is just the right size, just the right color, just the right needle-to-pine ratio, just the right — that’s right, distraction.
Finding the perfect Christmas tree is quite a feat for a middle-aged mother of four on top of a job, in addition to finding the time to stock the fridge like it’s a holiday or something.
Of course, without a Christmas tree there is no Christmas. Where would Santa put all the presents?
The evergreen fir tree has been utilized as the universal symbol for Christmas for around 1,000 years, starting in Europe. All people have to do is pay $299.99 to celebrate like the Pagans did.
These trees originally were often hung upside down to resemble chandeliers, though. Cool right?
Step 2: Venture out to inform your kin that you will be hosting a grand feast on the eve of Christmas day, but put your coat on before you do so.
Then you rush back home to gather around a table that in preparation for the feast has been connected to another table, which is connected to another table, and so on.
Conversations planning the feast are held and problems are resolved quicker than the frostbite that is already nipping at your nose because you forgot your scarf.
Oh, right. Mom forgot to remind you to bring that.
You are only a mere teenager in a world full of greenhouse gases and angry bearded men in a red suit sitting under one of those massive Pagan woody perennials anyways. How would you remember to bring one after hearing that kid with the Fortnite shirt ask for a flat screen at 12 years old?
Mom has one wrapped under the green Pagan toilet brush at home. You don’t tell her that you know what it is.
Step 3: Doomsday. Well, not quite Doomsday. It is the eve of doom.
It is time to take the guests’ coats and toss them on a bed somewhere to demonstrate your class. Your house is now starting to resemble your grandma’s casserole on the counter: dense.
You can’t escape the crowd, so it is time to find a place to sit among the horde of look-alikes, all roaming around your house and asking each other, “How is the weather out there?”
The time has finally come to enjoy the best meal of the year — with the exception of Thanksgiving — with the people who have stuck by you throughout the entirety of the year.
You can now finally find a seat and your mother announces it is time to say grace.
The horde is now gathered around the long extension of a table that resembles the Last Supper.
After a momentary silence, you open your eyes to sneak a roll and you see … everyone gathered around one table. They are happy and healthy. And suddenly you appreciate that ugly Pagan decoration for bringing everyone you love together.