Many people have experienced mental health issues and mental illness. Mine was practically invisible: To others, I’m sure it appeared like I was one of the happiest people.
But the truth was far from that.
Masking my struggles with achievements and a big smile felt like the only way to get through high school. But carrying the weight of mental illnesses reduced the joy even for the things I had always enjoyed the most.
I couldn’t last a class without thinking something terrible would happen to either my family or me. At least that’s how it started.
This might sound dramatic to others, but I could not focus on the things I needed to do until everything was exactly how I needed it to be. Everything had to be perfect, or I would think that something bad was going to happen.
After a while, the anxiety began to affect more than just my mental state. It was exhausting, as I tried to escape my own mind and distract myself with activities – but they only did so much.
That’s when I started getting disappointed with myself, and when I thought everyone was disappointed with me. I fell into a massive hole of depression.
I felt worthless because I wasn’t the positive, bubbly person I used to be. My grades began to slip, which made it worse. I went from a straight-A student to being unable to turn in an assignment on time.
I dragged myself deeper into despair every day and didn’t think about getting better. But telling my closest friends and family members was out of the question for me, because how would they see me when they learned how I thought of myself?
Every day was just another cycle of getting up, faking a smile, and going home exhausted.
Somewhere along the way, however, I learned that staying pent up in my own emotions was holding me back from getting the most out of life.
I’m looking to the future, with high expectations for myself, something that I never would have thought possible years ago. Going to college, getting the chance to visit friends, and grow new relationships – these are all things that are worth the extra push.
Some days are harder than others, but I’m proud of where I stand compared to how I was.
I’m not saying it’s any easier. But I learned a new perspective, and I refuse to let myself not make the most out of life.
Now, although I continue to live with these mental disorders, I’ve learned about the importance of living. There are better things to live for and so much more to see.
I’m not expecting to ever completely get over these struggles, but I’ve learned to live with them, and that’s enough.
