Senior Farewell: I hated senior year

Senior year is supposed to be when you have everything figured out, feel like the top dog of the school, and even get “senioritis” because you deserved it. This was not the case for me: I hated senior year. 

For me, it felt like my world was crumbling right in front of me, and it was all because of mental health issues.

I think I did it to myself, as my other years in high school consisted of me wanting to participate in every extracurricular I could. I soon wore myself out. 

But I am not suggesting that underclassmen should avoid joining these activities to completely avoid mental health issues. You just have to know your limits. For me, participating in activities also shaped me to be the hardworking and dedicated person I am. I became a leader and a role model – just what I wanted. 

But the immense amount of pressure I put on myself to be the best I could turned into pressure for everything I did. I set an expectation for everything, and I would feel unsatisfied or upset when the expectation was not met.  

Representing Baldwin High School as the Highlander, the school mascot, is something that was really cool and fun to me. But I ran into issues because I thought I was not good enough at hyping up the crowd or showing enough passion. Now I realize that showing up and looking goofy was what really mattered. 

Being the mascot did take away something I really enjoyed doing, though: I loved to cover sports games for the Purbalite, especially through video stories, because it made me feel like part of the action. Then I wrote fewer stories for the Purb as well, and once again I was hard on myself for not getting stories done like I used to. 

Juggling too many things at once was a difficulty I ran into. I tried to get service hours for the National Honor Society when I had free time. I would attend all the winter workouts for baseball while still trying to stay in shape by going to the gym, and then coming home late at night to finish my homework for my AP classes. 

I did drop things I just could not handle anymore, such as being the president of Student Council. 

In the spring, the days were nonstop, and I felt like I could not take it anymore. I fell into a deep state of depression and loneliness because of all the stress that was on top of me. 

I soon started to solemnly sit and do nothing. But then I realized that as long as I was doing nothing, I should start reading again, a lost passion of mine. I’m glad I did, because it helped pass the time, and I ended up using it as a coping mechanism.

I continued to keep working alone until I finally realized that I needed help. I started going to teachers for extra help – something I should have done earlier. So I learned to not wait to seek help when I most need it. 

Although the academic help was much needed, it did not really help with the stress I faced through the high school varsity baseball team. The season did not go as planned, and this destroyed me. 

I really cared and put all my effort into each game and practice. But I continued to set an expectation of playing lights out and being perfect. This was never met and it truly frustrated me. Baseball is a team game and I often forgot about this, thinking I was the only one who could win us the game. But my teammates would pick me up when I was down. 

My last season of organized baseball was terrible, but I am thankful that I continued to show up even when I did not want to. The many lessons I learned through baseball have helped me become the person I am today. 

Senior year for me just did not feel right. I knew that if I slacked off I would get even more stressed, so skipping school was not an option for me. 

With all that being said, I hope anyone who is in the same boat as me can learn something from this. Ask for help even if you don’t think you need it, because people will do whatever they can to get you back on track. 

Also, do not be so hard on yourself even when the little things start affecting you. It’s just not worth it. Find things that bring you serenity, purpose, and meaning because the only person who matters is you, and that is not being selfish. 

This short inconvenience in my life will be a learning experience. I hope to continue to be aware of my mental health along with staying focused on the rigorous schooling ahead.